Am I Nervous or is just the Activia?

Today is the eve of my flight to Guadalajara and the start of my new job and life in Mexico. On any 'day before' a big change I often feel nervous, have moments of extreme emotion, give my family more hugs and am more demonstrative, and just generally feel out of sorts. Today is no exception! It all started last night...

I had dinner with my grandmother last night after a lovely day of togetherness with my family. She, in the course of our conversation mentioned President Obama's visit to Guadalajara and mentioned off-handedly that she worried it was because of the violence that occurred there. For whatever reason, after months and months of strength and peace, I sat down from cutting a piece of raspberry pie and broke down in a torrent of tears. The fear, worry, feelings of loneliness and homesickness I feared...all of it came to the surface. After prayer with my mother, a good discussion with my father I felt at peace again. But Satan had struck a chord and took my largest fear, sleeplessness, and used it. I had an awful night's sleep and woke up with even more feelings of fear.

The first thing I did this morning was sit and read the book of James. A friend who taught in China for three years gave me the verses in chapter 4 that speak that how our lives are just a mist. What hit me was this 'If it is God's will, we will live to do this and that'. IF IT IS GOD's WILL. My life, my contentment, my peace, is dependent on my relationship with Christ and whether or not I am seeking His will. Whether or not I have my favorite coffee mug or bulletin board supplies are not what my contentment is based on. Contentment is not based on circumstances, but on how much I am seeking Christ. What a big, but critical thing to realize!

Today has been positive, because I am leaning on Christ. I have had peace, feel ready to get on the plane tomorrow and feel confident in the protection of my Heavenly Father. I am still hugging my family more often than usual. I feel a little out of sorts (though I think it may be partly because I ate three Activia this morning). But I'm gaining my contentment from Christ.

Sappy Sentimentalist No Longer.

Today I turned in my keys and closed my classroom door for the last time. I felt no remorse, no sadness or even the heavy sense of nostalgia that normally comes as I close a chapter in my life. I am a sentimentalist to my marrow and love keeping flowers given to me pressed in the pages of my Bible or notes from old friends in my desk drawers. I cling to good memories and comfortable places and have an aversion to change. Not so now! Today I tried to stop and evoke some semblance of this feeling as I hurried out the door... nothing came. I feel an excitement about the upcoming challenges of living and teaching far from the familiar and a growing sense of strength and resolve about the troubles I might face. 

All I can say is this...It is not me, but Thee! Only God could be taking this shy, introverted girl from New Jersey and transplanting her to another country. Only God could be giving me this sense of peace, trust and comfort. Only God could be keeping the fears, worries and lies of the Devil at bay in my mind and spirit. I pray for continued growth in this area, continued strength in my convictions and beliefs and time to commune with God and grow in wisdom (oh, do I need to grow in wisdom!). Would you pray these things along with me?

''Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am" -Phil. 4:13

3 years (33,000 cups of coffee) down(ed)

It has been three years since I started this mission to teach fifth grade at King's, and on the first day I was given a lovely leather journal from the head of school. I think it was supposed to be where we could write prayer requests and then journal to see how God answered our prayers. I turned it into the catch all, my place to write lists, to write my conversations with God, to paste the little notes of encouragement  from fellow teachers and students and to literally scream on paper about the things I couldn't verbalize my first year teaching. This (now worn) leather book was in many ways my link to sanity, and a past life when I had the time to write, reflect and process my thoughts and feelings. If you've known me for any length of time, you'll know I'm in the habit of keeping a journal and have done this on and off since third grade. My early journals had entries like 'We had macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight' or 'I like Jeff an awful lot!', but as of late they have been a chance to reflect on the work that God does in and through me on a regular basis. 

Recently, I came to the last pages of the leather journal. As I sat there and reread all of my heart's yearnings, I realized how much I have truly changed in the past three years, and how faithful God has been in granting me grace and wisdom. It was then that I decided to make a list of all the things that God has done in this short time, and I want to share that list with you. 

-My confidence as a teacher has really grown. I am no longer living in Carol Orr's (the previous teacher) notes, or in her shadow. I've forged my own way, and through God's grace learned how to respond to situations. 

-I am finishing up graduate school. I would have never dreamed of doing something like this my first year of teaching. 

-I'm teaching fifth grade on my own, with no partner teacher, though I do miss the excellent support Diane Massey gave me last year and Jack Savidge my first year. 

-I've had two student teachers (!!), soon to be three. This is humbling, and a true testament to God, coming from the girl who cried during her own first student teaching observation. 

-I don't have the great struggle with classroom management that I had during student teaching. 

-I don't cry on the way to school, or on the way home like I used to. Or when I graded papers, like I used to. Or when I did lesson plans, like I used to. Or at my desk at school every day after school, like I did my whole first year. 

-I can call Terri Maines, Jen Lusk and Mary Borzell by their first names! (But Mrs. E. is still a struggle. Give me three more years at least!)

-I don't accidently ignore people when they call me Miss Beaver. (I still cringe a little every time.)

-I enjoy talking to administrators, instead of peeing my pants the whole time. 

-Calling parents has gotten much, much easier, though I doubt I'll ever enjoy it. 

-I actually ENJOY teaching math, and pull from many textbooks and resources to support my lessons. (Never thought I would say that...I abhor math!)

-I don't stay at school until 7 or 8 every night on a daily basis, and I have evenings during the week that I actually enjoy myself!

Lord, 

Thank you for your wisdom, grace and strength in my life these past years. Your provision of this humbling job is truly awe inspiring. Jehovah Jirah! 

my first big leap

For the past two years I have felt a steady leading from God to consider teaching in a foreign country. This realization started during my missions trip to Peru. I wrote the following in my journal as we left Peru; ‘We just got on the plane and I feel a sinking feeling like I just left home. The mountains are pink and purple and all is gorgeous. Lord, are you telling me something? What a beautiful city, what a beautiful people. I’ve spoken lightly of teaching in another country and now I feel like it could happen, and I wouldn’t mind. God, please take these feelings and thoughts and allow me to process them Your way. I strongly feel that my cultural differences, my struggles were the same as these men and women. God, allow me to keep this broad point of view for as long as possible’. This trip, this moment was where I felt the calling of God to go.

In November, I began to take steps of faith in this direction. While at the ACSI convention, I attended a seminar about teaching overseas. As the speaker listed the requirements for such applicants, I felt as if she was speaking directly about me. I met and far exceeded the requirements (which mainly included being single and having no debt!). I was contacted by multiple interested schools after posting my resume on the ACSI website and I applied to and was accepted by one school in Quito, Ecuador. The position they offered to me was something similar to  Minister of Spiritual Life at my current school. I knew that I would not be content in that position and would desperately miss the classroom. The process, especially because I am applying to schools overseas, was a time consuming process, and by February, I felt that I would be at King’s another year. It was at that point that Bethany Topham made me aware of Lincoln School in Guadalajara, Mexico. She, through her graduate studies, became friends with the Elementary Principal and had only marvelous things to say about the school. 

Throughout this process, I have asked God to be abundantly clear in His direction and His will for my life. When I applied to and was accepted at this school for as a fifth grade classroom teacher (my love and my passion), I took it as such. Each day, since accepting this position, I have felt confirmation and peace about the steps I’ve taken. I am not worry free, or innocently unaware of the culture or challenges Mexico is facing at this time. I do know that I am  walking by faith, and that with faith comes obstacles. Those obstacles are what draw us into a deeper relationship with the Lord, and this is what I seek first and foremost. As I follow God’s direction, I have peace about His plan and protection.